I wrote this post late last night with the intention of scheduling it for next Thursday. But this morning, I can’t get it off my heart. I woke up singing the song. And I’m praying that maybe by the time this day rolls around again next week, I’ll take my own advice.
March 21st. It’s a very bittersweet day for me.
10 years ago today, my middle child was born. And while unbelievably joyful, it was the most traumatic experience I’d ever had at that time.
9 years ago today, my aunt, who was very dear to me, passed away.
4 years ago today, my world changed completely. Dizziness entered my life. And still hasn’t left to this day.
3 years ago a few days after this day, my grandfather passed away.
(This year, 2 days after posting this, my Grandma went to Heaven.)
I always feel like I need to put in a disclaimer here because I KNOW with all my heart people deal with far worse. I promise, I know.
Before this happened to me, I use to think people who complained about pain you couldn’t see weren’t really in that much pain. That’s cruel and I wasn’t trying to be. I just thought mental illness, chronic pain or health issues, etc was just something people played up in their minds. You know the “They could be better if they wanted to be” or “they aren’t as bad as they let on” kind of mentality. Yes, I’m ashamedly admitting that. And then it happened to me.
And now I wonder what all I missed. The opportunities to help them. Pray for them. Be a friend to them. Not judge their health on what I could see.
Because most days, the things I’ve missed bear down the hardest.
It physically hurts to see old pictures. Pictures of the life I used to live without dizziness. I can’t even remember what that felt like. I have sat and looked at them and thought, “I wonder how I did that?” And then I remember, I wasn’t dizzy then. My daughter will look too sometimes and she’ll say, “Mama were you better then?” I see how young my children ALL were and I think of how much LIFE I’ve missed. So many things I haven’t been able to do. Oh it hurts. So many missed opportunities.
I’m that person now. The person some look at and think, “Oh she must be better because she’s doing this. It’s all in her head. I saw her do that yesterday and today she can’t.” And it’s not just in my mind, haha. I’ve had people tell me that.
But they don’t see. I didn’t see. No one sees the tears cried while watching others do what I yearn to do. I can’t think of a stronger word. No one sees the endless hours and days of just surviving. Of just longing to relax or curl up on a couch or stretch out in bed. Everything I do is measured by, “How will my dizziness handle that?” There are deep hurts, things I couldn’t even name that break my heart because I just can’t do them.
And almost every second of every day, I could sit and list all the missed opportunities of the past 4 years.
But you know what else I’m even more afraid I’ve missed? The opportunities I’ve had for God to prove Himself faithful.
Oh, He doesn’t have anything to prove. His word says He is. That’s enough. Whether I believe it or not, it’s true.
But all the heartache, pain, loneliness, confusion, doubts, fear – they’re all opportunities for Him to prove to ME that He. Is. Faithful.
How many times was I too concerned about what I was missing that I missed the most important thing? Him.
God’s faithful in the good times. But we don’t need Him to be, do we? I mean if things are going great, we have friends, our needs are met, life is ideal, we don’t need Him as much. And even though He’s being faithful to send us blessings, that isn’t the same as being faithful to hear us cry out in the night. Faithful to lead us through the dark. Faithful to carry us when we can’t go on. Faithful to forgive us when we mess up. Faithful to not change. Faithful when He says that this too will be worked for my good.
Why can’t we just view each struggle as an opportunity for God to prove what He says?
Because, oh my goodness! I can’t see it at the time, I can’t feel it. But I look back and see the abundant, overwhelming, amazing grace that has carried me this far. It’s never stopped or ran out.
And those struggles that pile one on top of another are just opportunities. Let’s not miss them. Because we’ll always have things we look back on and regret that we missed. I don’t want one of them to be God’s faithfulness in my life.
Sometimes, I dread this time of year. This month. This day. Because so much pain has seemed to take place. (And even once again this year, right now, we are experiencing more sorrow.) But it has also been a time of being held. Of being enveloped in the great faithfulness of my Savior.
“Lord, wake us up with new eyes
To see the beauty of a sunrise
And though the clouds roll in again
You’re still faithful, even then.”
It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
This song is not mine, but I have clung to the truth in it. “God has been faithful, He will be again…”