Available Power

“Gas pumps have 3 grades of fuel available. The higher the grade, the more power can be experienced. Yet people go with the low grade, not willing to pay the price for the higher fuel. The power is available if you’re willing to pay the price.” (-An illustration used by J. Harold Smith)

I despise filling my car up with gas. Anyone that knows me, can testify of this fact. And several of you reading this, may or may not have had to bring me gas on the side of the road.

But when I HAVE to fill up, you better believe I’m going with the cheapest option. I can remember when there was only 3 cents difference in the grades of fuel. But now….phew. Lowest grade for me, please and thank you.

All my faithful readers will know that this is my 6th year of dizziness. I have seen a broad spectrum of bad days to good days. A roller coaster. In the past few weeks and months, it has gotten incredibly discouraging and frustrating. Again. It had seemed that it was getting better and I was able to take on a lot more than I used to. And I did.

But then it seemed to regress. Again.

And sometimes, the despair comes out of nowhere. I was in my kitchen, cooking supper, and I could barely stand there. And the loneliness of it all threatened to drown me. And I can remember, praying the words, “Lord I just don’t understand.” Now I have said that many times in the last 6 years, but that day, it just overwhelmed me. People can care; people can pray; people can sympathize. But not many can actually understand.

Things that happen are by design. God never just accidentally does something. And I know the next few things I’m going to tell you happened to get me where I needed to be. Again.

My daddy preached a message just a few days after my meltdown in the kitchen that I needed to hear.

I wrote a song from a quote in that message. “You Understand Mine” is linked at the bottom.

My husband taught Sunday School about being an effective Christian. And how when God loads your cart, you don’t stop. You keep going.

I found what I think is a pretty close self diagnosis. Here if you’re interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCv0zuJ71xU. This made me hopeful that I would get further help. Until…..

I had a discouraging visit to my doctor. More expensive treatment possibilities, no definitive answers. And sometimes they look at you crazy with a self diagnosis.

I read the above illustration about fuel grades.

And it came full circle. I don’t understand why God would allow me to go through this. No one else may be able to understand it. But He does. He knows EXACTLY what is wrong with me. He knows the cure, if there is one. He could heal me, if He chose to. He only knows why He hasn’t. But He has brought me here. I don’t understand why I’m finally holding my adjustments but my dizziness isn’t getting better. The opposite, actually. I don’t understand why God is seemingly opening doors for our family to be used, when I feel at my worst. I don’t understand why the harder we try, the more seems to go wrong. But I know to be effective, I must keep going.

I. Don’t. Understand.

But I’m beginning to.

You see, before 2015, my life ran on low grade fuel. It was cheaper. I had always used that kind. It was comfortable. Easy. Affordable.

And I was content.

But I ran out of gas. And the Lord drove up beside me. He had all the fuel you could ever need. Low, mid, and high grade. It was my choice. Was I going to continue with my low grade or go farther with Him and the high grade? But the price was high. God’s power can’t be bought. But it will cost. (I’m not saying that His power is on my life and I’m so much more spiritual than I was. I’M NOT. Read that again if you need to. But I am saying that I have experienced His power IN my life more than I ever have before.)

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. ” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 KJV

It cost Paul infirmities. Reproaches. Necessities. Persecutions. Distresses. Weakness.

But I see God’s power in Paul’s life. It rested on Him. Rest here doesn’t mean freedom from activity or labor; nor does it mean inactivity or a repose from something. According to Strong’s Concordance, it means to ‘abide with’. Wow. Paul was willing to suffer all of that to abide with the power of God.

I asked my husband before I started writing this post, if that was true. If high grade fuel will really give your vehicle more power. And he said possibly. I thought, well there goes my blog post. But then he said, “But it will make everything run better.”

I’ve tried to go back to low grade. But it’s not the same. You can get through this Christian life on low grade fuel. But why would you want to when there is high grade? I know, I know. Cheaper, affordable, etc etc etc….

What is our purpose then? Live a life that’s easy and doesn’t cost us anything for Christ’s sake? What if Jesus had looked at HIS life that way? What if He had said, “They’re not worth it. I’m not living for them and I’m definitely not dying for them.” That would have been justified. I am not worth it. But He didn’t do that.

And because He went all the way for me, I am called to share the gospel. But if I use low grade fuel like everyone else out on the highway, my life is worthless to the cause of Christ.

What would the Bible be with just a normal Paul? A whole Paul? A non-infirmed, non-persecuted, unreproached Paul?

I was unusable with my uninterrupted, arranged, planned out, low grade fuel life. I had to break down on the side of the road to become usable. I was useless before dizziness came into my life. Most of the time, I still am. But God is restoring me. Not my health, but my heart. He is {hopefully} making me fit to use for Him.

Some days the cost of high grade fuel seems astronomical. We can keep going on the cheap stuff. But that’s not what we were created for.

“…The power is available if you’re willing to pay the price.”

You may choose to break me

So that others see Your glory

What was useless once before

You are able to restore.

Though it feels like I might die

Have no tears left to cry

When you say, “Be still”

My soul will.

“Cause I know You know the way I take…

One last thing. Lest I made the availableness of this power seem easy. God is willing to pour out His power. But He won’t do it in an unclean vessel.

Putting high grade fuel in a dirty container or tank is pointless.