This year I purposed in my heart that I was going to pray even more fervently to be healed.
However, it seems the more I pray for it to get better, the worse it gets.
I sat in church on Sunday and watched from the very back as people worshipped and testified of God’s goodness. I had just come down from the piano and had gotten dizzy on my way down. I just sat there and cried. I guess if anyone had seen me, they would’ve thought I was just enjoying the service. So many stories of God’s faithfulness. I have many of my own. But that day, this horrible thought crossed my mind- “God is not good to you.” I don’t know if it was Satan jumping on my discouragement or just me. Because, well, I’m human. But it bothered me to no end. How could I think such a thing? I struggled with that the next few days. Not that the thought was true, but that I thought it.
On Monday, I wrote this into my prayer journal: “A few days ago, I saw an old maternity photo that evoked such precious memories. Happiness, excitement for the future… and then almost instantly I was plagued by such sorrow at the thought ‘Will I ever be that happy again? Will all my present sorrows one day end up being just sad memories? Will I ever be able to look back on these 3 years of my life and see good?’ I wish I could write that I have the answer to those questions. But I do not. All I know is, God is good. My limited vision and understanding can’t see what my Father does. My days until Heaven may be filled with more sadness. I will praise Him that one day they won’t even be a memory. One day God will wipe it all away and nothing will be left but worship and praise and joy to my King. For now, I will endure. And keep asking for His help because truly He is the only One Who can give it. God is good. Psalm 107:8, 15, 21 & 31.”
God gave words to a new song about that very thing. Surprise?? ? (You weren’t really, were you?) I tried to sing it with all my heart all week, past the pain and fear and discouragement.
I got a new book several weeks ago, and my sister asked if I had had a chance to read the part on discouragement. No, I hadn’t, but I would as soon as I got a chance. So, I sat down to read. This is an excerpt from the book When You Just Can’t Get Over It by R.B. Oulette, published by Striving Together Publications. (These are not my words.)
“I remember when time-lapse photography was a new technique. By taking pictures at regular intervals, you could condense a lengthy process into a short video. Like time-lapse photography, much of God’s work in our lives is so still and small that the only way we can notice it is to take snapshots. When you don’t see growth, look back at some snapshots of what God’s done in your life before. Remember, God doesn’t always work in dramatic ways, but he’s still working.”
My son, unexpectedly, came home today with 2 pairs of new shoes. (Both boys did). I had just been talking to God that morning about how horrible their shoes were. But I shrugged my shoulders as I put them up. Couldn’t afford them right now. But as he showed me his new boots AND new sneakers, I couldn’t help it, the tears started flowing. He looked up and said “Mama, are you crying?!” I just hugged him.
Within the next few minutes, someone dropped a new ironing board off in my garage. I’ve been without one for almost a year, lol. Just one of those things that gets pushed to the side. I’ll insert here, that I have learned from my friends that I am in the very small minority of people who actually still iron their clothes. But I iron EVERYTHING. So this was a big deal to me. I don’t know why she thought about it, or the reason she decided to buy it for me. But I’m thankful.
Snapshots. That’s what those were. How many more still and small moments do I overlook, never realizing that God IS working?
I don’t know.
Each pregnancy was a snapshot. Joyful ones. With smiles and laughter. My dizziness is also a snapshot. With tears and pain. Why must the 2 go together to form the video of my life? Wouldn’t only happy snapshots make it a much better masterpiece?
I don’t know.
I don’t know why the trials linger, why the pain hurts so much, why you can feel so alone, why burdens press you until every ounce of your strength is gone. I don’t know why we have to wait; I don’t understand why God says no.
So many, many things in life that I don’t know. But everything that I am absolutely 100% certain of is wrapped up in one simple, little sentence.
God is good.
And He, like a photographer, is carefully and methodically, lovingly, setting up events in my life. And He captures each one at regular intervals. One day, they’ll be put together and what I saw as a lengthy process will be condensed into a short video. No one sees the time and effort put into making those videos. But everyone appreciates the beauty of them when they are finished.
The questions still might not be settled in my mind. In yours. But one thing I know beyond a shadow of doubt – God is good.
“Oh that men would praise the for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!” Psalm 107:8
Listen to the song here: