The Last Thing That I Do

Burnout.

There have been so many things that have happened in our life the last several months, and this was where I was at.

There were weeks and months I was just on autopilot. Going through the motions because I had to.

I found myself asking the question, “Is it really worth it?” Is it really worth serving the Lord? You give EVERYTHING, all that you are to Him. And there’s always struggle. Nothing is EVER easy. People can live any way they want to and never run into any problems and yet you do what you’re supposed to do, and you just can’t catch a break.

I actually toyed with the idea that no, it’s not worth it.

And then a conversation my husband had with a missionary convicted my heart.

James was telling him that he was just ready to go home, lay down all these problems and just be at rest. The missionary told James, “Well, I’m a little torn on that.” James looked at him a little funny and then he explained. This is the only life he has to serve the Lord. Once we’re home, there’s no more witnessing to a soul about Calvary. There’s no more living for the Lord in the capacity that we have down here. Everything will be perfect. No more pressing toward the prize. Our time will be ended. Our chance to give everything to Jesus or do anything for Jesus will be over.

This is the only life I have to give Him everything.

And here I am complaining that it isn’t worth all the toil and work and hardship and effort.

As we were riding to church this morning, James asked us what we wanted to do differently this year. His answer? To be closer to the Lord.

And in my heart, I said, “NO. What did you just do to our family?” You see, the last time I asked to be closer to the Lord was seven years ago. And He did bring me closer. But it upended my life, our lives, in more ways that I can count. For years now, it was just survival mode. I’m feeling a little better now, and I selfishly have just wanted that to last a little longer. It’s terrifying to think that for us to be drawn even closer to the Lord, that more and harder heartache will probably come.

But so will deeper grace. That has been proven to us over and over. It doesn’t always stop the fear, though.

As we sang this song this morning, I was once again reminded, “Isn’t it worth it? Isn’t all the pain and difficulty and hardship worth it just to lay something at His feet?”

What if this year, 2023, is the last year I have to earn treasures for my Savior?

What if this next month is the last chance I have to tell someone about what Jesus has done for me?

What if my last breath is coming this year? What if Jesus returns?

This could be it.

What if today is the only day left I have to live for the only one who has ever given His life for me?

Well that will definitely change your perspective.

I would’ve come around. I’ve asked the question before. Eventually, I’m reminded that yes, it is worth it. It’s worth everything.

But to actually think that my time is running out. If I lived a million lifetimes, I still couldn’t do enough for Him. There is no pain, no heartache, no bad day, NOTHING that He isn’t worth.

He’s worth my dizziness.

He’s worth leaving everything you and your family is comfortable with and following Him somewhere new and unfamiliar.

He’s worth being misunderstood and talked about. Doubted.

He’s worth the long days and hard nights. He’s worth every tear shed in frustration.

He’s worth the unknown. The scary questions. The things I don’t want to ever face.

He’s worth it all.

And I only have this life to prove it to Him.

It’s not enough.

I think about what that missionary said, and I think, “What a heart for the Lord he has!” To be more concerned with staying down here in this dark, lonely world just to live another day for the Savior.

I can’t wait to reach Heaven’s gate. But with everything that is in me, I want to finish well. Whether I die or He comes back for me, I hope my lips are still singing His praises up until the last moment. I hope that my last thought is not, “Is it worth it?” I hope serving Jesus is the last thing that I do.

No amount of crowns I could earn, no amount of treasure I could bring will be enough. I have so much to do.

That’s what I want for 2023. To live everyday conscious of the fact that once this life is over, my chance is gone. No do overs. No second chances. No coming back down when I see how pitifully small my pile of treasures is.

All I have is the moment I’m in. I’m not promised my next breath. So this year, may each breath, each action, each song, each moment He gives me be lived for Him.

I want to serve Him, if it’s the last thing that I do.